Shedding Slumber.

Wakeful slumber. A constant state for me when my once-reality and my ever waking subconcious  merge into one, becoming a complete whole of yet more spaces to fill.

What happened to dreams i used to wake from elated? Dreams that hurt me to the point of breathlessness, choking even. People like to say its 'spirits sitting on your chest' etc when its merely 'hag syndrome', a state of physical unconciousness i.e sleep when your mind is still 'awake' thus causing the immobility. It used to plague me for weeks at a time, making me fear to drift off into even the scantiest of sleep.

However, its different now. Sleep is, for the lack of a better word, wonderful. Wonderful and constant. So good you forget you wake up and its like your living the dream. A dream that becomes your reality, unquestioned. The spaces fill themselves, fitting whatever shards left into perfect wholes of imperfection personified. The mornings where you whisper to your sleeping lover '..quite perfect' and everything else u fail to express just mellow in the shine of the morn promising to quench any possible want for the rest of the day.

Then it happened. Upon waking one cold noon with the sun carving shadows on my skin, i realise that this isn't. Simply is not possible. Possibilities like this don't exist to or for me. That much i know, i have learned, i do not question so humour me. This life i have, this wakefulnes i have somehow stumbled upon, reeks impermanence and bleeds a happiness i can bask in yet cannot quite grasp. This moment of touch is but a dream. Sensorial suspension as i call it.

So now i'm living in a mock dream. Knowing i'm going to awaken is half the heartbreak but the final blow lies in the anticipation of it. Waiting for something, that  hits me hard i wake up so fast its as if i have slipped off an unsuspecting cliff. It takes just A moment. One. Then the spiral begins. Waking to the emptiness i know only to well and have by luck accidentally misplaced.Waking to a lover i love no more. Waking to the painful truths i have so far in this lifetime uncovered knowing too well theres only more to come. Waking to myself, my reflection i don't know if i recognize as the girl who used to smile because she was indeed happy. Waking against my will.

So upon shedding the slumber i an nestled in now lies shedding the hope. Abandoning the place i once knew as paradise, crawling out of another dark hole and leaving another heart behind.

 

I dread the moment that awaits. I see it lurking in every shadow of laughter and drowning every dreamy afternoon.

 

So lets just sleep. Sleep in this happiness, this unknown comfort, this quite-perfect perfection.
I dont want to wake up...