No Definite End.

I lay on your orange pillow with my hands next to my head tracing the shadows on the ceiling thinking maybe i should not look at u. I dont know why but i still find it easier to tell u something when i dont look at u. When i look at u i just jumble my words i've neatly lined in my mind & end up smiling softly & saying, ' Nothing baby'. I know how that it affects u more than you let on.

So i tell u. How my intentions are different from their after effects. That regardless of how i wedge the words u so carefully lace into our conversation back to u. Back into the cracks of ur heart you've left open for me. Back as unreproached desires born out of secret hope for what could be. So i say it. I have hope for us too. I just dont want to ruin it. With false expectations or unrequited hope. I just wont do that again.

It breaks my heart to see u so happy sometimes. Like i've said the perfect thing. It's heartbreaking. But i cant resist. I must ask what i should not need to question but do. Why do u? U reply with the simplicity i admire u so for. '..because unlike with others i see no definite end.'

So thats what sets me apart from ur others. Something that has completely nothing to do with me. The only reason we have no defininte end is because we had no definite beginning. I tell u that and u just laugh & go on about how i think so much. I do dont i.

So tell me again that we're happy together. That this is right. It's amazing what u can be talked into. The more u say it the more im starting to believe it. Wouldn't it be so wonderful if i believed it? That was last week. Yesterday i woke up & it was a good morning. No impending gloom creeping up on me or shortness of breath from anxiety. Just u with ur eyes closed and a smile on ur face. So i looked at u while u slept & told u 'We're happy'. For once, it wasn't a question. 

A kiss for each star.

Your Mon Chaton